Michele Lee

Today I went to see a behavioralist, on referral from my doctor in response to talking with her about my eating issues. It was a very positive experience over all. She was a lovely, positive, attentive person (which makes so much difference). We talked about my past, my triggers, my feelings, the usual.

I’m happy that she said I seemed like I was recovering well, and that I’m doing an excellent job of being honest with myself, exploring my thoughts, emotions and behaviors and giving myself therapy. And we came to the conclusion that I’m just not sure what my next step is. I don’t know where to go from here.

She advised me on a bunch of resources she wanted me to look at, and said that i probably need to focus more on relaxing and enjoying things (specifically food) instead of trying to solve my weight like it’s a math problem. (She says there’s no real point in stressing about it until I get checked over with the internalist and we know for sure there’s nothing else going on.)

But one of the resources she pointed me toward was Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. Only a few clicks into their websites I knew there was a problem. (Mind you, she wasn’t saying I had to, just that I might want to check it out.) I know people who swear by AA, but I just can’t. I have so many problems with 12 Steps problems. I find them redundant, selfish, a way to avoid responsibility and honesty with yourself and blame God instead. I also find them uncomfortably Christian and about half the people I know who have become involved with a 12 step program have instead of addressing their core issues and behaviors have become slaves to the system, and in a few cases I’ve lost friends because I refused to adjust my life to their needs. I’m not talking I drank in front of them. I mean I wasn’t going to meetings and they could only be around other AA people.

I have a base problem in my own situation with 12 Step programs because I believe they foster the dependence on a higher power to solve your problems, to rescue you and make you worthy and lovable, and to put it bluntly I spent twenty five years of my life in that exact same thinking only instead of it being “God” the higher power I so desperately needed was “Dad”. My issue is unhealthy relationships with people and with myself because of people and I believe instead of empowering the person to take control of their own lives, their own actions and stop being merely reactions to their trauma 12 Step programs demand that they continue being powerless, helpless and unhealthily dependent on outside approval.

You can’t please everyone, and really, sometimes you can’t please anyone, so you have to do what you feel is right, not what other people pressure you into thinking is right.

Plus, I have a serious problem with a group that seems to think (in my experience) that victims of addicts who aren’t acting on as addicts themselves should still work the same 12 Steps as the alcoholics. Particularly there are the bits that demand that you admit your wrongs and make up for your wrongs, which is HORRIBLE advice to people already feeling guilty for not being able to defend themselves, fix their families and keep themselves from being victims. The 12 steps outright excuse addicts, but when applied to victims blame them for the abuse perpetrated on them.

AA isn’t all bad. I strongly believe in support groups, and honesty, and speaking with others about your actions, your issue and your progress. But these aren’t traits unique to 12 Step programs.

I propose a 5 step program for people struggling with these sorts of issues.

1. Inspect your life, your actions, your emotions with full honesty to yourself.

2. Strive to stop doing shit that makes you feel bad, sick, guilty, destroys yourself and those around you.

3. Seek support, not moral superiority or excuses. Surround yourself with the people, things and situations that help you be a better person. This might mean people who call you on your bullshit and definitely means NOT the people who enable you.

4. When you fuck up, be honest about it, face up to it, and try not to do it again.

5. Know that you are unhealthy. Know that you don’t have to stay unhealthy. Rinse repeat these steps as needed. Keep fighting for your health, because you deserve it, and so do the people around you.

Is it more complicated than that? Infinitely. But the self analyzing and holding yourself responsible for your own role in your problems and being honest with yourself and those around you can go so very very far.

Of course there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground because where I agree with Rational Recovery’s concept of Zero Tolerance, and family obligation based philosophies I don’t think that the only reason addicts use is for pleasure. I believe they use for avoidance and as a method of self soothing or self medication as well. Rational Recovery appears to push a no issues policy that denies that addiction might be learned or might be avoidance behavior, which is ignoring an emotions/thoughts/behavior core cause.

So I have to wonder, is my mentality just that far outside of most people’s? Or is the 12 Step program a genuine mislead when it comes to permanent sobriety?